This is my T-Journal beginning with my first shot. It actually lasts a little more than one year. I recommend keeping one of these, it's fun to read later and helps you be somewhat patient while waiting for the changes. Also, if you see a pattern developing with irritability on certain days, pelvic pain, or what have you, you have very accurate notes.
I also recommend keeping a separate journal about your inner thoughts and journey. It was helpful to me to have the two separated. One being a medical/physical change journal, and one being my inner life.
August 31, 1999, 3:08pm
Had my first shot Saturday, August 28 at 6:50 PM. Chris (my partner at the time) gave me the injection of 50 mg into my left thigh. I was too chicken to do it myself. I suppose if she wasn't there to help I would have yanked up the courage from somewhere. The needle looks so big. But the shot doesn't hurt much at all. I was very anxious all day. I was also elated and felt like I'd won the lottery! It is amazing what you can do for yourself to change your life if you have the will to do it and some excellent role models. After the shot ö I just very happy.
I also felt "change" inside immediately ö as though I'd gone stepped sideways into another dimension. I know it's my psyche accepting the movement/action. The next day I went running ö three miles. It seemed effortless. The next day I went to the probate court to pick up my legal name change and I came out at work. A very big day. Feeling more confident. Today, Tuesday August 31, I have noticed my face looks squarer. Chris says she doesn't notice. But last night, in the middle of the night, my new little dick was very itchy. I woke up scratching it, and realized it must be growing. Could be yeast, but Iām going to be optimistic. In the morning I noticed it is swollen and red and sensitive. Not itchy at all though, so I am going to strike against the yeast idea and say it is the T. I am very focused on how big I will be. Fantasizing about that a lot.
Also smells have been very powerful. It is though my nose had a volume control on it, and it has been turned up to ten. Body odors have become somewhat repellent in a way they were not before. Sometimes feel nauseous when I smell something. Especially bad in the morning.
I noticed the second day after my shot that my pee smelled very different. I expected it would, but it was so magical to actually smell the difference.
Dr. Spack (my endo) asked me to tell him how the shot went, etc., and I mentioned the sensitivity to smell. He said that could be the T.
September 5, 1999
Very horny, energetic. Skin getting very oily. Wake up with a hard-on now. Really good mood, enjoying exercise, feeling relaxed.
September 13, 1999
Had my second shot of T on September 11 ö two days ago. Three days prior to my second shot, I was very irritable! Felt pretty down in the dumps.
Second shot ö in my right thigh. I tried to do it myself, but I was scared and I guess I didn't poke hard enough, because it bounced off my thigh twice.
Since the second shot, my mood has improved A LOT! Feel alternately very energetic and then tired. Have been sleeping very well, and waking up rested. Probably due to increased exercise. Since beginning T I have been running about 20 miles a week. Began weight lifting regimen yesterday ö worked out biceps, chest and legs. This morning worked out lower back and shoulders. Feeling very happy, relaxed, energetic. Skin very oily, breaking out a little more than usual.
Excited about losing fat and gaining muscle. I feel pretty impatient. Stared to grow a beard on my chin, although I had growth there before starting T. Now that I am out at work, I am letting it grow. I have been growing it for about ten days now, and it is OK-looking, although I'd much rather it was more extensive. It is coming in reddish, and I am very happy about that. I am noticing I have a lot more sexual thoughts, and get turned on easily. I canāt tell if my dick is growing or if it is just swollen. By the eleventh day of my last cycle, it had begun to shrink a little, which added to my angst. About 36 hours after my second shot it was enlarged again, and sensitive. It is getting a mind of itās own. I especially like it when I wake up with a hard-on. I have noticed I enjoy looking at women's bodies more than before. I used to feel like I had to know someone to be able to be turned on by them, but now complete strangers on the train excite me. I also used to think faces were very important, but now breasts, hips and legs readily turn me on.
Appetite is increased, but I am chalking that up to the exercise. I am making a concerted effort to eat a lot of protein and cut down a little on fat and especially sugar. I am also eating oatmeal for breakfast, since that is supposed to lower cholesterol.
September 14, 1999 11:56 AM
Feeling very energetic. Falling asleep very early, but I think itās the exercise. Waking up eight hours later, very refreshed. Worked out again this morning with weights, did my chest, biceps, stomach and quads again. Focusing on large muscle groups, and starting out a little slowly to prevent too much pain. I donāt want to take too much ibuprophen, since I think any amount of drug is taxing on my liver, and I'd rather be very careful. You know what they say ö"you canāt be too careful." I can live with a little pain if it means I have a better chance at staying healthy. I canāt believe I used to be so bad to my body. I just hated it, and was so detached and depressed, that I didn't mind killing myself. Now I feel so different.
Not as horny, but I noticed last cycle that I get horniest about a week after the shot, so I have a few more days to go. Feeling more confident. Went to a party last weekend where I passed, and three people thought Chris and I were a het couple with"bi" tendencies. True, actually! The thought of being read as a gay man is mixed. I like it because it means I dress well and am handsome. I think gay guys are the sexiest men. But I donāt want all women to think of me as a gay guy, because then they may not see me as available to them. I guess I am having some homophobia come up that I didn't expect at all.
September 15, 1999 3:10 PM
Went running 5 miles. Pretty good energy ö the last mile was difficult. Appetite seems to have increased, but I think it is the exercise. Feel a little irritable today. Got a very strong erection while having a sexual fantasy today. Feel good about that.
September 20, 1999 11:19 AM
On a down-turn emotionally. Feel hopeless, irritable, lonely, annoyed, bored. I have low-energy. I know I need to pay extra attention to myself ö but I donāt know how. I just want to nap. Five more days until 100 mg. Five more days. That seems like so long, and I feel like shit already. Worried about me and Chris. I have no idea where our relationship is going. I want to give up.
September 21, 1999 12:08 PM
Still feeling crappy, still feel afraid of losing my relationship ö feel hopeless about it ö and guilty for changing it and demanding something from Chris I always should have known we couldn't have. The dynamic I need is just not going to happen with us, I know it.
Started my period. I hoped I never would again. Mild cramps ö took some Advil. Very, very low energy. Irritable, tired. Bored. Name a bad emotion ö I have it. Four more days, read on the web that when you start 200 mg, your penis grows really fast. I am excited about that. Feel horny.
September 23, 1999 5:07 PM
Yesterday I yelled at my downstairs neighbor. Sheās been leaving notes and whining about walking around quietly in my apartment for almost a year, and after she left another note this morning, after calling and ringing our bell. I told her to knock it off, that we were not making noise, but sitting in bed having coffee. I told her she needed therapy and she was neurotic. Then I there the crumpled up note at her feet and stormed away. My chest was pounding, I was shaking, and I could have punched a hole through her door! I was mad afterward for hours!
I am thinking about asking Dr. Spack if I can go up to 400 mg a month now, by taking 100 mg a week. I donāt want to wait for the effects so long and I want to even out my dose. I can't stand feeling like shit for four days,
October 13, 1999 10:45 AM
Had shots three, four and five since I last wrote. Dr. Spack OKād the request to increase my dosage. Although we talked about going from 100 mg per month to 200, I went up to 400 with 100 mg shots every week. So I had the first 100 mg shot on September 25. has shot in left thigh. I had a lot of pain afterwards and was limping around about 48 hours after the shot. The next day the pain subsided substantially. Felt very energetic and happy.
Shot four ö October 3, 1999
Right thigh. The shot was painless, as always. Immediately after the shot I had severe abdominal cramps which lasted about an hour and half. It was very, very intense and I was doubled over on my side. Fell asleep, and woke up the next day feeling fine. No pain at the injection site at all this time. That week I noticed some more hairs growing on my chin and my voice dropping a little.
Shot five ö October 9, 1999
Chris gave me this one in the left thigh. No pain during or after the shot. I am experiencing a huge increase in irritability and escalation of anger, which I seem to be controlling well in most situations. I really feel a lot more assertive and self protecting. My muscles seem to be getting bigger. I am still experiencing a lot of fatigue at night, and fall dead asleep by ten or so. I think it is T-related, but I donāt know if it is an immune response or my body needing more rest to grow. Terrible allergies.
Shot six ö October 15, 1999
Chris gave me this shot in my right thigh. She didn't check to see if sheād hit a vein. Some pain during shot, then when she pulled out the needle, blood squirted out. Ooops. Anyway, lots of pain two days later. I am guessing it happens when the shot is a little too shallow. Less irritable, very, very horny the next two days. Horniness keeps increasing. Very easily turned on by almost anything. More hairs growing on chin and upper lip. One darker hair, the rest blonde, but not as soft and fine as the hairs used to be, and more numerous. Still very tired though, not very energetic anymore. Have not been exercising for the last few weeks because of a cold/allergies. I have to get back into it but I am a bit lazy. Retaining water, and that makes me feel fat. Also noticed a very different odor from my vagina. Could be a yeast shift/infection. Not very concerned, but I donāt like the smell. Clitoris/penis continuing to grow very slowly. Very hard erections. Head of penis very sensitive ö I can barely touch it at all, especially when engorged. Very, very strong orgasms and more sexual pleasure. Voice deepening more, but it gets higher when I get excited or upset. Voice cracking just a little, when voice is stressed.
Shot seven ö October 22, 1999
Chris gave me this shot in my left thigh. Had pain the following two days ö not too severe. Very horny. Masturbating five or six times a day for the first three or four days. Find myself the most horny days three and four. But it varies. Voice deepening. Not noticing any more hair. Shaved off little goatee. I wish my beard would hurry up and get here. Less irritable.
Shot eight ö October 29, 1999
Chris gave me this shot in my right thigh. No pain afterward at all. First bottle of Delatestryl almost empty. Wondering what I would do if somehow I couldn't get T anymore. Voice is continuing to deepen, although I do have to try to lower it if I want to pass well. Canāt really project very well when lowering my voice. It is significantly deeper than three weeks ago though. A couple of people at work have been mentioning it. I started to use the menās room at work a week ago. Happy about that, although I still have problems with my STP device and forget it sometimes. I feel very uncomfortable not using one (sitting) and only do it when there is no one else in the restroom. God I wish I had a dick I could piss through.
Despite my worries about guys not welcoming me into the restroom, I have had only good experiences there. I am noticing continued growth in my dick, although not as dramatic as in the beginning. The glans is changing shape to more of a"mushroom" shape with a corona. I am very pleased about that. Chris is now telling me I am bigger. Sexual response is incredible. Orgasms much easier. Less worry about sexual performance. Retaining water. Face is markedly puffier/filling out. Shirt collars tighter. Huge increase in appetite, especially for fatty and sweet foods. Eating a lot of foods that are bad for me. Gaining fat and muscle. Not working out since my cold, so feeling less energetic. A lot less irritable this week. More relaxed, less angry.
Acne is really under control. I use Stridex pads and acne cream twice a day. Sometimes three times a day. Still breaking out with 5-6 new small zits a day, but with the medication, I dry them up in only a day or two. Zits are not deep and cystic like I feared. Breaking out on my neck , upper arms and shoulders a little too. Feeling like it will not get out of control. Worried a lot about my weight though. Have to start exercising again.
Shot Nine Saturday November 6 1999
Excellent technique by Chris in right thigh. No plain at all. Not afterwards either. She went in almost to the hilt. I think this is a key to a reduction of pain afterward. Very horny, skin oily, increased acne on upper arms and shoulders. Experiencing a lot of dryness from the acne medication. Using a moisturizer around my mouth. I think I am getting a little more facial hair growing from my jaw-line toward my sideburns. No sideburns though, I guess it will take a while. Thomas told me he is getting more chest hair now, and he has been on T for almost 2 years, so I guess things continue to change over time. No increase in dick size lately, just a little more definition of the glans. Horny as hell. Did I mention that? Masturbating at least once a day mostly more than once. On the weekends ö five or more times a day. Apparently, working keeps me from masturbating to my full potential. Very interested in porno movies, renting them twice a week or more. Rented three on the weekend. Feeling of being accepted more at work, may be more self-confidence. Using the menās room. Voice continuing to deepen. Gained 15 pounds! ARGGH!
Dieting. Incredible craving for sugar and ice cream at night. Trying to not eat as much crap. Still not back to weight lifting. Body smell more masculine in genitals and underarms. Although most of the time I canāt really tell anymore.
Friday, November 12, 1999
Shot number ten in right thigh. No pain, but needle bounced off with first try. Ouch. Used up my first bottle of Delatestryl and started second bottle. Noticed when bottle is new, it is hard to draw up the liquid without getting bubbles into the needle.
Chris gave me the shot before work. Injected into right thigh again because the only times I have had pain was when I injected my left thigh, so I am avoiding doing that. Feeling great today. Voice getting deeper and really beginning to crack uncontrollably. When relaxed, it sounds pretty deep. Continuing to watch my eating habits and staying away from ice cream and fatty foods, especially at night. Still promising myself I will get back on the weight bench. Seems like my upper body is getting more muscles, but it may just be wishful thinking. This week it is finally feeling like winter, with daytime temps in the low forties. Now I can wear more layers to hide my chest!
Still horny, but not as much as in the past few weeks. At least today. Still masturbating at least once a day. Still turned on very easily.
Monday, November 15, 1999
Still working on shot ten. Voice seems to be dropping daily. Sounds a little less bubbly. Resumed workout program yesterday, feeling very sluggish today. Noticed more hair on belly yesterday! Even though I have been expecting it, it is still a surprise to see it. Sex drive seems to have decreased slightly. I am attributing it to exercise and overuse!
Thursday, December 2, 1999
Had shots eleven and twelve, and will have shot thirteen tomorrow. Took my last shot a day early because Chris was going to be unable to give it to me on Friday. Feeling very irritable again. Broke up with Chris two weeks ago. Still living together, things are manageable. As far as effects, I am noticing more hair in the last few weeks on my belly. Some fine dark hairs and many very fine blonde ones that are still very small. Some more beard growth on my jaw-line closer to my ears. Incredibly horny in the last week. I am also noticing continued growth in my dick ö now 4 cm when hardest, an increase of about a centimeter since beginning T.
I am experiencing some tingling in my genitals, sort-of a twitching, nerve-like jolt occasionally, and I wonder if it is nerve growth. Skin very oily, some increase in acne. I am still using a lot of topical acne medication, which helps, but it also dries out my skin. I have an appointment with the dermatologist next week, so maybe I can get something that works better and doesn't dry out my skin as much.
Chris administered both shots. Used up the first bottle on shot number eleven. No pain after shots. I am careful about caloric intake and exercising more, and I have lost about four pounds. I have noticed a lot of water retention again as well. I saw Dr. Spack on the 20th of November, and he said I was progressing well. He said the water retention is normal, and he advises against prescription diuretics because they deplete potassium. Had a blood test (liver, testosterone, cholesterol) a few days ago, the results of which were sent directly to him. I have not seen a copy of them yet.
My voice is continuing to drop ö every few days it seems deeper. I am hoarse as well, and I squeak and crack and am all over the place. As far as my feelings about all of the changes, I am pleased with the progress overall. I donāt like the water retention because it makes me feel fat, but the worst part is the irritability. It seems like no one understands me or acts the way I want them to, I feel very alone and unseen, and since I have been talking about these things for the past six months, I sense everyone is bored with it and canāt listen anymore.
Monday, December 6, 1999
Had shot thirteen the day before yesterday (Saturday.) Chris administered it into my right thigh. It bounced off the first time, apparently I am becoming the man of steel. The second time she tried it went right in painlessly and bled only a little when she was done. The first hole bruised and bled more, which is funny because the shot only went in about a millimeter. I am growing a little goatee again, and I have noticed more hair on my hands, arms, belly and the fronts of my thighs. I am VERY IRRITABLE. I simultaneously want everyone to go away and come close and hold me. I am in misery. I am staying away from junk and preparing good meals for myself. The water retention is horrible. My ankles have disappeared completely and been replaced by thick oak tree trunks. I am guessing I have water on the brain too. Medium horniness the past few days. Just plain cranky. God I hope this gets better soon. Noticed a lot of increased strength in my shoulders and upper body in general. Appetite very low the past few weeks. Workouts are OK. Got a mild cold ö the third once since starting T. I am guessing it is due to the T being seen as a threat to the immune system, and so the immune system fights it and in turn is weaker against other things like viruses.
Friday, December 10, 1999
Shot fourteen into right thigh. Chris gave me the shot. It stung like crazy for twenty minutes afterward. I think it is because I lightly swabbed the top of the needle with alcohol in an attempt to soak up a drop of T which had gathered at the tip after drawing up the liquid. I thought that the T would sting but the alcohol was very, very painful. Even that small amount of residue. I am never doing that again.
Continued irritability. Not very energetic. Stressed at work. Acne much better. Sex drive through the roof again. More hair very noticeable on cheeks going north toward my sideburn area. Tops of thighs much harrier all of a sudden it seems, as is my belly. Lost five lbs. Water retention pretty bad. Drinking more water really helps in the short term, but no matter how much I drink, when I wake up in the morning I am very bloated until after I have my coffee.
Wednesday, December 22, 1999
Had shot fifteen in my left thigh last Friday night. Chris gave it to me. I had no pain at all during administration or after. Got a prescription for a acne medication/wash from the dermatologist. It seems to help with pimples forming, but it stings a little and dries out my skin. I feel using it before bed is probably the best thing ö not twice a day. Still irritable and low-energy. Eating well ö being careful about sweets. Muscles continuing to grow. Hair on hands thickening.
Monday, January 21, 2000
Losing track of shots! I thought I had written more often. Since I keep this journal at work I am not often in the mood for writing. Letās see, the last two shots were self-administered. Yes, I finally got up the courage to do it myself. What I do now is self inject using the push-in method instead of the stab method. It is practically painless and I don't have to try so hard to work up the nerve. I am sure that eventually I'll be able to stab it in. I must be on shot number 19 by now, since it has been four weeks. My voice is still dropping and becoming more resonant every day. I am really into talking now. It still surprises me! Especially when I wake up in the morning. I do not have a manās voice in my head yet.
Getting more hair everywhere. I really like the hair on my hands, since that is what I see most often. My beard is growing in slowly ö I am getting hair on the sideburn areas already. I figure at this rate I will have a full beard in less than a year. Maybe a mustache by the summer time! I hope so.
Getting more muscular and finally beginning to drop some weight. Putting on more muscle too. My belly doesn't seem to be growing so much anymore. Sex drive still way up there. If I go for two days I am practically beside myself with horniness. I like it.
Appetite is still pretty low, but still craving sweets at night. Acne is stable, maybe a little more on my back. I am passing on the phone and in all public places now. Really comfortable using menās rooms in public and the one at work. I canāt wait to get my chest done. I saw Dr. Reardon a few days ago and it went well. He seemed a little rushed and I didn't like it when he tweaked my nipple without asking. I am sure he wanted to see how big it was, but I didn't like the invasion of my body.
I keep fantasizing now about how great it will feel when my chest is done, and how soon after that I will be more into having casual sex. I am thinking about cruising for guys for casual sex, but I am also afraid. Maybe I can find a sweet guy who will play with me and make me feel safe.
Back to the T effects. Letā see if I covered it: hair, sex, voice, fat, muscle, appetite, shot, OK. Really, really want these tits off.
Tuesday, February 1, 2000
Had shot 20 last Saturday morning. Administered it myself ö in my left thigh while Chris watched. She said she was happy I was doing it myself, since it was always hard for her and it made her anxious to hurt me.
The shot was virtually painless. I am so happy to have mastered it. As far as bodily feelings ö letās see. Hair growth hasn't seemed to change for the past few weeks. Mustache is still coming in very, very slow. Not too irritable. I seem to be getting a handle on controlling my emotions. At first it was a challenge to control my behavior ö my reactions. Now I can actually get myself to stop the huge chain reaction of anger ö the emotion itself. I am still not working out ö I do some weight lifting and push ups (I can do 12 in a row) but not consistently ö and no cardio. I really do need to do the cardio if I want to get rid of this fat and lower my cholesterol.. it is a matter of disciplining myself.
My voice is still dropping. People are really commenting on it now. It is especially low when I am relaxed ö like first thing in the morning. Acne is breaking out a little more ö but on my back and arms, not my face. Eating well, watching fat intake most of the time. Not depressed, not as anxious.
Tuesday, February 15, 2000
Had shot 22 last Saturday morning. Gave it to myself in the right upper thigh. I ham trying to do it in another area so as not to make to much scar tissue build-up quickly. No pain or bleeding afterward. The push-in method is working very well. The day before my shot, I had those uterine cramps again, right before bed. They are not really bad, but bad enough to make me hurt. I took some Advil. Damn ovaries! Had the cramps the night after my shot too, but not as bad. Very horny all last week. I think I am getting more hair on my chest and butt. OK, I am pretty positive about the hair growing on my ass cheeks. More like hopeful about the hair on my chest. I made the appointment for chest surgery for May 19th, 200, and sent in a deposit of $3,150.00. I have decided the best way to save the money is to send the checks out to him the day before I get my paycheck, so I canāt possibly not do it. Then, if I donāt have enough money, entertainment, food or gas money will have to suffer. I can eat dented cans of beans for three months if I have to. I need to get my bike fixed so I can ride it to work, but if it costs more than the train, I wonāt do it. Hell, I will even run to work! Pretty irritable, as usual, but exercising really helps. Yesterday I thought I was going to lose it at work when this one analyst kept giving me changes and whining. Dick growth seems to only be evident when I am fully erect. Weird. Also, the kind of stimulation I like is changing. I like it a lot rougher now. Maybe I am wearing it out, but I also think it is due to the T.
Monday, February 28, 2000
Had shot 24 on Saturday. It was painless. Nothing remarkable is different than in the past few weeks. Same amount of sex drive, skin still seems oily. I guess my skin will just be really oily forever. Exercising regularly and eating a low-carb, low fat, high protein diet. My mood definitely improved with exercise. Focusing on my chest and back. Facial hair is steadily coming in. Veins on my hands and forearms are really becoming prominent. Voice is still cracking and going higher and lower depending on my emotional state. Not quite as horny.
Wednesday, March 8, 2000
Had shot 26 on Saturday in my right thigh. Mood is still very irritable. I have decided to cut back to 75 mg. per week and see how I feel. I have realized that I have really been ignoring my emotional state because I am on some kind of macho trip about the T. As though I have to take what"everyone else" takes. But now that my voice has really dropped significantly and I have a fair amount of body hair and other things, maybe I am ready to chill out about it. Mustache is still very sparse, just about ten thick blonde hairs at the corners of my mouth like a catās whiskers. The other hairs are more numerous on my upper lip, but no thicker. When I donāt shave it for a week it doesn't appear any fuller, but I can feel it. Sideburns and cheeks continuing to show increased hairs. As far as needing to shave,I'd say I need to shave twice a week to look clean. Nose hairs outnumber upper lip hairs five to one. What is with that??
I like the feeling on being aggressive and horny, but not the irritability. Last night I woke up at one-thirty due to noise from my neighbor. The heat in my apartment has been cranked up too high, and even though it is in the low forties overnight, I have been sleeping with the windows open, naked, without blankets. So my neighbors have been waking me up.. last night it was this guy barfing. Not a pleasant way to wake up. I was so mad though that I lay there fuming for about an hour. I'd like to be mellow about things. In general,I'd say I have very strong irritation/frustration/anger about ten times a day. It is just way too much.
Sex drive is beginning to level off over the past few months. I am very horny between ten and noon, then it kind-of slows down. I am assuming that when my metabolism is high, I use up that T in my muscle and it causes sexual desire.
Thursday, March 16, 2000
Gave myself shot number 27 on Sunday the 12th. After talking to Abe about dose, I decided to try 75 ml. Instead of 100 to see if I had less irritability. I guess I am pleased enough with changes in muscle, hair, voice (especially) and sex drive so that I am comfortable trying a lower dose. So far I do notice a change in mood. I am just easy going. I think I might go up to 80 next shot and then stay there for a while. I donāt know why I want 80 , perhaps I like the rush feeling from the T and I miss it. I have noticed my sex drive is a little lower and my energy is a bit lower too. But that burnt out, exasperated feeling is gone, and that is terrific.
Chris moved out yesterday and I spent the night with her at her place last night. I feel a profound sense of relief and some loneliness. When I cried over it last night I only cried for about a minute, and then that was it. What a change from before T.
It seems like my voice, although hoarse is still dropping/settling in. It appears as though it will be very deep. I am sounding like my father, which is good and bad. Good because it sounds grown up to me, but bad because I fear I will behave like him.
Abe mentioned something about 120 every two weeks being the"magic" number for guys keeping their period away. But that is not my only concern, I also want the testosterone in my system, I feel that makes me male in a profound, biological way.
Friday, April 21, 2000
Had shot 32 last Sunday. Time really seems to be flying these days, and I guess I am not feeling the need to keep a weekly journal of my progression on T. My diet is going well, I have lost 17 lbs. Since my highest post-T of 196 lbs. Some weight loss is due to water loss, since I feel a lot less bloated lately. I am attributing it to my change in diet. I simply think I am eat less sodium and it is improving my water retention. No pain with any shots in the last month. Injection is very easy and really doesn't seem like a big deal any more.
Hair continuing to get thicker and more numerous or arms and hands, belly, and my face is slowly filling in with blonde hairs. Mustache still painfully non-existent. I have hope though, since the hair there is a little more numerous, however fine.
Working out a little more, bike riding. It is increasing my metabolism. My ass and hips are beginning to shrink, but it is due mostly to weight/fat loss. My shirts are fitting much better since I went on my diet. Previously I thought I was going to have to buy all new shirts.
Four weeks to the day before my chest surgery. I am very happy but anxious too. Talking to other FTMs about it helps, especially ones who have been to Dr. Reardon.
Speaking of breast tissue, I can really see a huge difference in the way my breast tissue looks. It is also if someone deflated my tits. Some due to fat loss, but I think the skin is less"springy." Sex drive not quite as high this week. Irritability continues to be much better. God, I am so happy about that!!
Started doing a self-portrait every day, and I am also working on a large oil painting self-portrait. It is looking really good, although I donāt think it looks like me, it is more like my inner self.
Friday, June 2, 2000
Had shot 38 last Saturday. But the big news is I got my chest done. It has been two weeks as of today, and the pain and fatigue get better every day. It was both harder than I thought and easier in other ways. It looks better than I imagined. I am very pleased with the outcome. I keep thinking I will write a letter to Dr. Reardon thanking him for his work.
As far as the progression of my masculine traits from T.. I am still getting more hair all of the time, especially on my legs. My voice seems to be evening out and not deepening much more, but isn't as squeaky and doesn't crack too much. The prickly skin is still really bad, and now that it is getting hotter I itch a lot more when I get hot. My dick is huge. I am thrilled about that.
The other big news is I have now lost 28 pounds from my heaviest after starting T.. and about 25 pounds really, since February. It is amazing. Everyone is commenting on how great I look ö at work and my friends. It has been a lot of hard work and denying myself what I want. But I am so used to eating differently that I think it will just be the way I eat now. I stay away from bread, crackers, pasta (not always) rice and potatoes. I also avoid a lot of fat and butter and donāt eat sweets as a rule. I indulge now and again though.. but I eat a lot more lean vegetables and fruit. I eat fruit every morning for breakfast. Two bananas.
The bloating is completely gone ö ever since the end of April, really. I am sure the diet triggered the water loss. But really I canāt say for sure. It could be it was just time for my body to stop retaining water ö I don't know. I may have stopped eating as much salt due to the change in diet.
But I feel great! I am still weak from surgery but my chest is done and I can look forward to soon going without the vest full time. No more hot, sweaty, embarrassing binding.. no more worrying about hugging people or brushing up against them and them feeling my chest. And best of all, no more feeling weird being naked, even alone.
Sex drive is still high but not quite as strong as before surgery. I donāt know if it is because of recovery or if it is due to some shift in my chemistry.
The irritability is way, way better too. I think it is partly due to the fact that the water is gone and I am getting"used to" the T, and partly due to the fact that I feel better about my body because of the weight loss and chest surgery. Waiting for the chest surgery really stressed me out. I was very weighed down by that.
Monday, June 5, 2000
Gave myself shot number 39 on Saturday. Right thigh, which is where I do it about 75% of the time. It just seems to hurt less when I do it in that leg. I was in the middle of my shot.. I had just finished drawing up the T when the doorbell rang. It was the gas man. He had to come in to change the meter. I went to talk to him without my shirt on. It was a big moment for me ö guy to guy, no shirt, and I didn't feel naked at all ö just a little bit anxious. I wonder what he thought my scars were about. He was very careful to avert his eyes. I hope it didn't wig him out. I know big scars can do that to people sometimes ö it disturbs them. Anyway, I put my shirt on after a while. Most of the time I was not in the same room as he was anyway.
Showed Karin my chest ö she said she thought it was awesome, but then also made a comment about me looking like Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands or a Tim Burton character of some sort. It was a little insensitive, but descriptive and honest, none-the-less. It hit me the wrong way later, which is actually common with comments from Karin.
My dick shrank, I swear. I am dating for the first time in months, and all of a sudden I think my dick is smaller. It can't be, but it seems like it. Maybe I am just uptight about it. We havenāt had sex yet. My chest is still a little too sore to feel comfortable being that close.
Nothing else is different. Chest hair is still apparent, even though a lot of the growth I had was on skin that was removed. There is still some left below the nipples where the scars are. My acne is almost completely gone. I went off the oxy 5/Stridex pad regimen a few weeks back ö for about three weeks and there was no difference in my skin. It seems to be about where it was before I started T. I started to use the pads again just in case I broke out though. There seems to have ben a shift somehow.. my irritability is better, no bloating (only a little bit) and the acne is better. I wonder why that is.
Monday, June 12, 2000
The hair on my hands seems to be getting darker and longer and growing up my hands a little more. I have also noticed a little more chest hair. Sex drive seems to have decreased. I think I wrote before that I was not sure about that since it may be a temporary decrease, but I am sure now that it is evening out a bit.
My chest hurts less every day it seems. It is finally at a place where the pain is not constant. When I am sitting still it doesn't hurt at all. Itās only when I get up in the morning or from a sitting position that it hurts a lot. Even walking isn't so bad, as long as I am not jogging. I canāt do that yet. My hairline doesn't seem to be receding at all, and I am glad about that, although I am sure itās only a matter of time.
My mustache feels pricklier but still hardly looks like it is coming in.. maybe it will be very blonde. I am frustrated about that.. I really want to grow one.. I feel like it is so masculine , and I feel like looking in the mirror I will finally be so male. It seems though, that I always say that about whatever aspect has not appeared yet, be it my voice or my chest or whatever.
Tuesday, July 18, 2000
Had shot 44 on July 1st. I tried out 200 mg. To see what a two week cycle would feel like. I was a little bit more irritable at first ö day three or so it was the worst. Very self-protecting and reactionary, angry, sensitive. I didn't experience any"trough" though, no sadness or moodiness other than the stuff I described. I did get a lot more pimples n my arms and the front of my thighs though, so I decided to go back to the 100 mg. Per week cycle, and had shot #44 ö 100 mg., right thigh, last Saturday.
I am still noticing a lot more hair growing on my chest. It is still fine and short, but it is way up on the front of my chest near my neck, in the space between my pectoral muscles, and around my new nipples. A lot around my new nipples, which is terrific. Sex drive is the same ö a little less than in the beginning, but still up there. I guess it will just be like this as long as I am on this dose of T. I wake up with a hard on every morning.
Dating Kelly was good, I enjoyed myself but I decided to stop seeing her. It was too intense for me right now and I think it is better if I wait a while before getting involved with someone deeply. I donāt know where my love life is going, it worries me some times because it seems like my romantic needs are changing but I donāt know how or where they are going. I seem to not know what I want exactly. So instead of putting her through hell I think I will have to wait and get to know myself better and then date when I know what I want.
Acne was worse on the 200 mg. cycle so in addition to going back to weekly shots I am using the acne pads again and acne cream with benzoyl peroxide. It is working already, my acne is better than last week.
I have now lost 35 pounds since I was at my heaviest in January. Some I have to attribute to water loss but the rest is fat loss. I feel really great about my body and I am excited about beginning workouts again at the gym. I feel confident enough with my recovery and body shape to go to the YMCA. My hips have shrunk at least six inches, and my ass has all but disappeared.
Some of it is weight loss but a lot has to do with T. My underwear is falling off and I am not exaggerating when I say I have to buy all new pants and even some new shirts. I bought a pair of used blue jeans and they are the only pants that fit me. I am very happy about how my body has changed through T, surgery and my own efforts to loose weight. I wasn't really that fat before, but I still was dissatisfied with what I looked like. Now when I have sex with someone I am WAY more comfortable. I know it is only going to get better with more weight lifting and time on T. I am also finding out that with my chest done, I am a lot more focused on getting my metoidioplasty. I will have to save for two years to afford it, and I plan to have it done in the spring of 2002.
Friday, August 11, 2000
Had shot 49 last Saturday, and I guess tomorrow is the big 50! I should do something to celebrate, but I also have my year anniversary coming up in a few weeks too. Ahg.. the last two weeks I have been very tense and irritable again. I am even considering going down in dose to see if it makes me feel any different. Today is not too bad. Of course, mornings are the worst. I have noticed too, that the few days right after my shot I am super-horny, which is a little more of a spike than before.
My hairline is receding just a little over the temples. Not the front of it, just the sides ö like a widowās peak. It is incredibly subtle, I don't think anyone but me could possibly tell. Beard is still coming in well, slow, but steady. Energy is good, health is good. Since starting T have had one cold ö about a month ago I had quite a sore throat for a few weeks.
Sex drive is still very high, especially after my shot. I have noticed my"sexual personality" is very different. The things I think about are changing a lot. My ability to fantasize and visualize things is more intense. Much fewer"romantic" thoughts associated with sex.
Elke (my therapist) told me to watch how my dreams change.. and I guess how they have changed is I dream about sex a little more, I dream about transitioning-related stuff more, and I have Way more nightmares. My nightmares are almost always about being physically attacked. I used to dream about being chased more, but now I dream about physical fights. More intense violence.
I am planning to start weight training next week. I found out I get a discount at the YMCA, so I am going to join up there. I really feel like taking a martial arts class. Itās amazing, since T and changing my body and doing all kinds of challenging, new things, I am discovering this great trickle effecting everything I do. Also, I guess moving across the country made me pretty timid. I isolated myself a lot .. I went through a hibernation I guess.
My energy level is good. Skin is not breaking out as badly. I am thinking about trying 80 mg. A week instead, and see if I am less irritable. Andy also said that a higher dose of T makes you hair fall out faster. Something to consider, since my hair seems to be thinning a little on the top front of my head.
Wednesday, August 23, 2000
Gave myself shots 50 and 51 in the last two weeks. I went down to 80 mg. And I think I am a little less tense. I also joined the YMCA and have been working out almost every day. When I have not been at the gym I have been hiking or swimming. It seems to help me relax at night especially. I am such a stress ball these days, about money especially. My rent id just too high, and I need to get a housemate if I am ever going to get out of debt and save any money. It sucks though, I prefer to live by myself. As far as T-related effects, I have noticed that my hairline is definitely becoming more male. It is thinning at the temples and in front a little. The crown of my head doesn't seem to be thinner yet. I am a little worried about losing my hair and looking old, but it is just a fact of life. If I am to be bald, so be it. Maybe if it happens too fast I will try Rogaine or some similar thing. My sex drive is also a little less intense. That is a relief. I am not seeing anyone right now, and having a lower sex drive makes me feel a little less lonely.
So I am really enjoying the gym. I have been trying different aerobic exercises, as well as beginning weight lifting. I can see the difference in my arms already. I am a little tense walking around in the locker room, and when showering especially. I leave my Speedo on when I shower, and I wear my Speedo and a towel around my waist in the steam room/sauna. But I notice some guys checking out my chest, and sometimes I wonder what they are thinking. I wonder if they know about FTMs. I guess the chance of them knowing about FTM surgery is pretty slim. I suppose my greatest fear is that I will be physically attacked.
So I am looking into a Jui Jitsu class. I hung out at one class so far to see if I'd like it. It looks helpful, and I am psyched about learning how to defend myself and have more confidence in my body. I'd like to know I can handle whatever comes my way. I guess I am also afraid The YMCA will throw me out if they find out I am trans. That would suck!
Wednesday, September 6, 2000
Gave myself shots 52 and 53 over the past two weeks. I went back up to 100 mg. On shot 52, then last Sunday I went back down to 80. I am pretty anxious these days, but I donāt think it has as much to do with too much T as it does my financial situation.. I just need to get a roommate I can share the rent with. Get on top of my bills, and have a little more spending money. Since Chris moved out in March, it has been paycheck to paycheck, plus my chest surgery really drained my finances. I just feel too powerless all of the time.
I stared to grow a beard about two and a half weeks ago, but shaved it off this morning. It was just looking patchy and scraggly. Snaggleface. But I did leave the sideburns I have begun to grow. I think when I grow out my facial hair out makes me look younger because itā s like a teenaged boyās feeble attempts at growing out a beard.
Everything else is pretty much the same. Fall is coming, it is getting a little crisp and dry, the leaves are beginning to turn color. I am not worried about winter depression too much. I know if I stay active and work out I will have a great winter season. It seems like my chest is getting harrier. The texture of the skin is a little coarser. My legs seem harrier than a few months ago, and I guess that will just continue. My muscle development is coming along well. I can curl a 50 lb. Bar for my biceps. But the rest of the weight I throw around is really only at about the same place as when I was a very in-shape female. After working out with weights for three months. So it will be interesting to see where I am two and a half months from now ö and what my real potential is now, with testosterone.
Friday, September 22, 2000
Gave myself shot 54 last Sunday. I moved my shot day forward because I was too busy to do it Saturday. Interesting how my focus has changed about it ö less dependent on the act of giving myself my shot. Wow. That only took a YEAR!
Also went down to 80 per week. Had my bloodwork checked ö at the trough my testosterone was 499. So at my lowest, I am right in the middle of the normal male range, which sounds perfect. My cholesterol was down 36 points from last January. That is excellent, I should be proud of myself. Liver, hemocrit, etc. all good. Now, if I can just keep my numbers perfect forever! A big job.
My knuckles seem harrier lately. My dick seems the same size. Chest hair is very, very fine a few longer hairs, but basically, it doesn't seem like I have any more than say, may be June. The skin on my chest is getting bumpier and more male though. Working out 3-4 times a week, getting bigger muscles and more vein-y arms, which is great. Feeling stronger.
Work is stressing me out, but I feel better this week than I have for a while. Not as horny this week, in fact, I am about the least horny I have been in a long time. And less irritable, maybe it is due to my lowering my dose to 80 per week. Maybe I am just feeling more in control of things.
I have noticed I am a little less compulsive about stuff, and I am getting out of the house and interacting with my friends and meeting new people. Still no lover right now. A little bored and lonely, but not too bad. My feet smell now that I am on T, I am not sure if I mentioned it before, but it started immediately when I went on T. I have not noticed any other body odors intensifying though,. Just my smelly feet. I notice my overall skin smell is different, but it isn't more strong, just different. I donāt think I sweat more now than I used to.
Your Hemocrit was fine at 45
Your cholesterol (fasting) 149
Triglyceride 73
LDL 99 (bad cholesterol, under 100 is good)
HDL 35 (good cholesterol, above 35-40 is good)
Tuesday, October 5, 2000
Things are about the same. I have a weird swelling on the right side of my chest, about 1.5" below the nipple. I went to the ER on Saturday but they still donāt know what it is. They injected lidocaine and tried to aspirate it, but there was no fluid. Now it hurts more and is even more swollen and bruised. Itās from the needles. They gave me a scrip for Keflex but I have not taken any yet. I donāt think it is infected anyway, I think I tore something inside when I worked out ö I donāt remember doing that though. My sex drive is remarkably lower over the last three weeks. Went back up to 100 mg. Per week, had shots 54 and 55, both were 100 mg. Still, sex drive seems like itās about half of what it was. I think it might be due to my working out.
My muscles are getting bigger. I look good. Still concerned about getting fat, but I am eating more and taking my vitamins. My bone density scan results showed I was lacking in bone density ö one unit below here I should be, so I am doubling the amount of calcium I am taking. I figure working out/weight lifting will help too. Not too worried about it.
Along with my diminished sex drive, the acne on my arms especially is a lot better. Itās so weird to me that I am taking the same amount of T but I obviously have a lower T level. Maybe also due to working out, although I heard working out and increasing muscle mass increases T levels in men. Maybe it is not the same with XX men.
Reardonās office just called. They said sometimes a cyst forms on scar tissue and to take the Keflex and put hot compresses on it. I am less worried now that I have heard that itās somewhat common.
Wednesday October 3, 2000
During my workout last night I noticed my muscles are really growing.. I have only been going to the Y since August 16th, so what is that? Broken down to 4 visits per week, it is about 22 visits. OK, it sounds like more when you count how many times. Anyway, my arms and legs are both stronger and bigger, my weight last night was 163, and so I know that since May I have been continuing to lose fat and gain muscle, since I am bigger but weigh the same. And I am eating more good stuff. Anyway, I am proud of myself.
Friday October 13, 2000
Last shot went fine. I guess I am tired of counting them! Must be some sort of turning point. Anyway, nothing new to report. Took about a week off from the gym because I was too busy dating someone. Back tonight. Not as irritable as last month. Trying to drink less caffeine, it seems to help. Although caffeine really helps me work out longer, especially doing cardio after weight lifting. Changes still coming, although slower. My belly and chest donāt look like they will be very hairy. I will have to make up my manliness in other ways. Sex drive lower overall I think, looking at the last four months or so. The cyst cleared up, although I can still feel it a little.
Monday November 13, 2000
Had shot in right thigh this morning. OK, not counting shots anymore. Acne has cleared up almost entirely. I think it was the Keflex I took for my chest, but since itās been quite a while since I was taking antibiotics.. I do have my doubts. Workouts/muscle building going well. Stronger all of the time. It seems every few weeks I can increase the weight. Thinking about metoidioplasty ö when I can afford it, what the results might be. Visualizing. I am also thinking about other things I could be spending the money on.. since I have been broke so long. I canāt wait to get rid of my car.. I want a more"masculine" car. It seems like the old me every time I look at it. I want a truck. Since I donāt even drive very much, I think I will get an older used truck after I sell my car. I only use it to go to the store or short trips anyway.
Not dating anyone, feeling worried and insecure about meeting women and being rejected. I am sure it will be fine.. everything else has worked out. Oh, I grew nice sideburns.. they are a little thin, but they look good. I am looking very handsome these days. My hands are looking very masculine. My dick seems to be still growing a lot.
I am meeting James Green tonight with Ernie at Doyle's. That should be good. Feeling very male when I see myself in the mirror. The insecurity/doubt when looking at myself is gone almost totally. It gives me hope about other things, everything just takes time to settle and integrate. Also T effects take time and are cumulative.. in many ways.
Friday January 5, 2001
Went on cypionate for two weeks in December. The pharmacy screwed up my prescription ö or Dr. Spack did.. I donāt know. Anyway, they gave me one 1 ml. Vial of cypionate as my 6-month supply. Needless to say I was livid. They wouldn't help me solve the mix up at CVS without confirming with Spack, which took a few days, so I took the cypionate for two weeks. I noticed I smelled stronger, my genitals that is. And my sex drive was higher. I got a few more zits on my arms, but that could be anything.
Now I have been back on the enanthate for two weeks, going on week three tomorrow. Facial hair continuing to get denser and grow faster. Chest hair slowly coming in. People keep saying I look skinnier. I know I donāt weigh less, and I am not eating less, so I guess my body shape is changing in ways others can notice but I donāt really. I am working out 2-3 times a week. Itās been hard to get to the gym much during the holidays though.
My skin is much itchier when I begin to sweat, but itās due to the dry air I think. My moods have been pretty steady, with one day here or there of extreme irritability. Usually itās triggered by an even like an argument. Sex drive is medium ö or maybe I am just used to the high level now. I canāt say itās dropped off.
Feel very male when looking in the mirror and much more sure of myself as the months progress. I feel pretty lonely sometimes, like man on a boat in the ocean alone. But itās not all bad, the benefit of the introspective process is worth it.
I have noticed remarkable short term memory loss and loss of articulation in the last year. I learned on the web that this can be caused by dramatic estrogen drop, and evens out after a time. Andy (of Andy's Passing Tips Page) says the first few years n T youāre in a bit of a cloud. So I feel OK about it, knowing it's temporary and that I am not just getting dumb and absent-minded.
END OF JOURNAL