When I was ready, I made an appointment to see Dr. Reardon for a consultation. I heard from guys in my support group that he did good work and was less expensive than some other surgeons. I saw some results of his work in person and thought I'd investigate him further. In addition, NYC isn't too far from Boston, and I have a place to stay in New York. I knew that I could save a lot of money by seeing Dr. Reardon and that meant I could get my surgery six months sooner than If I chose another surgeon farther away.
I donāt know what made me ready. I was tired of binding for a long time and wished my chest was masculine, but there was a time period between being annoyed and sick of binding and being ready to have the surgery. Part of me was still attached to my old chest, even though I hated it. I was still seeing it as part of my body.
Without giving it a lot of effort though, there came a time when I felt ready. I spent a lot of time looking at the same pictures on the web of guysā finished surgeries over and over. I spent a lot of time in front of the mirror, covering my chest and imagining what it would look like when it was done. I talked about my fears with my friends ö of the pain, of just the scary thought of being cut open. I looked at my FTM friendās chests. I talked about it in therapy. My therapist was very supportive of me. She also gave me some subtle pressure ö perhaps a better term for it is a nudge. And I saved my money.
The Consultation
I took a Friday off from work and rode the train from Boston to New York. I wore one of my best suits. I felt handsome and brave, and I guess, this was one of the most powerful things I would ever do. I was pretty nervous! When I arrived in New York I hailed a cab from Penn Station. It was well below zero in the wind that day, and the line for a cab was rather long. I remember thinking I was going to get frostbite on my ears. The wind in New York can be brutal.
Dr. Reardon's office is elegant and comfortable. His staff was friendly and courteous. I still have to get used to Mister. It sounds like they are talking to my Dad.
I only waited a few minutes until I was called into Dr. Reardon's office. I sat down and we chatted a bit about my surgery and my transition. He sees many FTM clients and seemed very familiar with what I wanted. I was shown in to an examining room after that, where I put on a gown. Dr. Reardon looked at my chest and he suggested a double incision for me, which is what I also had in mind. I think the contour and nipple placement with a double incision is worth the scars. I have had a few large lacerations on my body in the past ö accidents ö and I have not had bad scarring. No raised scars, so I could envision what the scars might look like in five or ten years. We talked about the nipples, what I expected in the way of sensation. I asked to see some other results, and got out a big, thick photo album of chests heād done ö all shapes and sizes. He asked me about my health, he felt the texture of my nipples, and he prompted me to ask him questions. I asked him how long the surgery takes, how long the recovery is, about stitches, the drains, everything I could think of. I wanted to be able to picture what it would be like. Then I asked him about the cost, and he told me just what I'd heard from the guys. It sounded affordable to me, and I liked the results I'd seen. I was a deflated C/B cup. My chest had flattened out a LOT from the testosterone and binding. My nipples were rather large and I knew theyād have to be resized.
Then I asked Dr. Reardon about his availability. I was very concerned that heād be booked up and I'd have to wait months and months. But he said he did these surgeries on Fridays and Saturdays, and that when I was ready, he'd make time to do my chest.
Some people donāt get along very well with Dr. Reardon. Heās kind-of brash. He seems like a man who has his mind made up about things he knows what he likes, he knows what works for him, and he is really no-nonsense. He has a patronizing way about him I guess. I can see why some guys are put off by his personality, but when you think about it, you donāt have to live with him, you have to live with the work he does.
And I think he did a great job with my chest. Better than I even expected. I am very happy with the results. When I get ready for work in the morning and I look at myself in the mirror while I shave, I see a man's body. I finally love my chest.
A deposit was required to make a surgery date, so I sent in a deposit and made a date for about four months later --May 19, 2000.
Waiting
Then I saved my money and counted down the days. It was so gratifying every time I sent in another check (I made four separate payments to him (he does require full payment in advance.) I really began to feel like it was going to happen ö I was going to make it happen. And I suffered.. I really lived frugally for the next four months.
The nearer the time came for surgery the more anxious I became about it. I found myself thinking about it all of the time. I counted the weeks and then the days. I marked my calendar and crossed off each day. I received pre-operative instructions from him in the mail, along with two prescriptions ö one for a pain killer and another for antibiotics. The instructions recommended vitamins and a healthy diet. I became very focused on my health and changed my diet. I ate a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables.. starting off each day with a breakfast of fruit. I also had a goal to lose twenty pounds, so that was a project for me to help me focus some of my energy.
Well, I lost 28 pounds! It hard to change my diet, but I felt great about it as I could se the weight coming off, and it got easier. Dr. Reardon did not recommend I lose weight ö he never mentioned it. I was not very overweight ö but I'd put on about fifteen pounds since starting T, and I wanted to be right in my optimum weight range.
So I ate my vitamins, spinach, carrot juice and tuna (not mixed together.) It really did help me feel like I could do things to make the surgery and recovery go as smoothly as possible. This is not a high-risk surgery by any means, but it is scary to have your body cut open.. it was for me at least. And I needed to do what I could to deal with that anxiety. I also started to clean my apartment rather obsessively. But it got rid of nervous energy in a constructive way. And my place was spotless. I figure everyone needs to cope with a measure of anxiety around it, and itās better than a lot of other things I could be doing.
The Big Day Comes
The week before my surgery I remember feeling like I just couldn't believe it was so close. And it still seemed very unreal to me. Part of it I think was that I'd never done anything like this before, so it was hard to visualize it really happening. I got more and more nervous, but I dealt with it by talking to friends, taking good care of myself, writing in my journal, and letting myself also enjoy things. Although I was ready for it, I was also afraid. I asked some friends of mine to tell me their surgery experiences every detail if they could. It helped. I had some strange dreams about it, but I didn't allow them to bother me. I knew my subconscious needed to deal with it too, and I'd just let it happen and not try to force it to be perfect.
I concentrated that energy on my floors.
Two days before the surgery I felt really manic. I just allowed myself to have my feelings. I stayed up late, I wrote in my journal, I ran around a lot, and I listened to loud music. But the day I was to leave for New York, I felt really calm. I guess I found my center with it.
I took the train down and read a book. I actually enjoyed the ride. I was to meet with Dr. Reardon the day before surgery to chat a little more about it, and I guess so he could assess my health in general. The visit was over in no time, and I went to have some dinner with my support person who I was staying with. There was a huge thunderstorm as we sat and ate mussels in a small cafe. It felt romantic, me taking this huge step, and the thunder and lightening crashing down. I slept really well. I expected to be nervous and unable to sleep, but I was fine.
The next morning went quickly and I didn't really need to do anything to get ready but take a shower and throw on some sweats. I did wear a button-up shirt though.
The Surgery
My close friend went with me. We took a cab Uptown and waited in the office. We joked around a little bit, but I was pretty nervous and serious. I wasn't afraid of anything in particular really, it was just an overall feeling of doing this big thing. I had to let go and really trust my doctor. I only waited a few minutes before a nurse showed me into the recovery room and told me to change. I sat down on the bed I would later lay in, put down my bag and changed into a pair of purple papery pants and a smock that opened in the front. They also gave me some paper socks. I was tense, but not freaked out. At that point though, I really wanted it to be over! I was lead into the operating room. The nurse who would assist in the operation ö Vicki- took some pre-op photos of my chest. Then Dr. Reardon came in wearing his scrubs and we talked a little more about my nipples. I was very clear about what size I expected them to be and what size I'd like the areola to be. He was supportive of my choices. He drew on my with a Sharpie (pen) and showed me where he was going to cut. It was not surprise, and it wasn't freaky. All I could think of was please, just let this begin! I gave him a handshake and told him I trusted him. It was almost like I just needed to have that exchange to let go. Then the anesthesiologist, Dr. Choy came in and asked me to get up on the table. I lay down and he asked me a few questions about my health and if I'd had anesthesia before.
The anesthesia they gave me was not general anesthesia, but a sedation and local. This is pretty common with this type of surgery. But you don't know the difference at all. You are totally out! He put in the IV ö it was a sharp prick and hurt just a little. Only a few moments later I heard what I really needed to hear, which was "You'll begin feeling relaxed now, I gave you something to relax you." OK. When an anesthesiologist says relax, he means dead to the world, out like a light, completely under. Never have I heard such an understatement.
All of a suddenly there was this very intense cold in through the needle and a strong burning sensation in my wrist. I remember saying "Oh yeah, I can feel it now, I can smell it, itās in my sinuses" and then I was out and I donāt remember going under.
I woke up seven hours later. The surgery was supposed to take a few hours but Dr. Reardon worked on me for about five hours. Then apparently I lay there on the table for another two hours, completely zonked out.
The first thing I remember is thinking ćIām awake, it is over. Then ćOh, I think Iām going to barf.ä I turned my head and puked on my shoulder, laying down, but I was still so numb and groggy that I didn't really know where or how I threw up. Then there was a burning in my chest and a lot of pain in my shoulders. I imagine when I was out they pulled my arms into uncomfortable positions and left them there for hours. It felt like both shoulders had been dislocated, but they were just stretched out.
"Ooooooowwwww"
"It hurts"
"Pain pill, please"
"owww"is what I am guessing I said. A nurse came over and said "you are very pale Johann" and although it sounded like a whispers, I am sure she was yelling. The nurses put a vest on me (the compression vest) over my bandages.
Then they sat me up. It hurt. But it wasn't unbearable. It was still very groggy, but they led me into the recovery room, I layed down and went back to sleep for a few hours. When I woke up, they gave me some pain medication, and it worked pretty quickly. That was the worst of it really, just the short amount of time between waking up and getting the pills. Some guys I've talked to say they donāt really feel very much pain, and others say it hurt a lot. I guess I was in the middle.
I slept for another few hours, but I donāt remember being aware that any time had passed. When I woke up, Dr. Reardon was beside the bed, and asked how I felt. I told him it hurt, and he said "well, you've just had surgery." Typical. The nurses brought me some more pain medication and some ginger ale, and I was more alert. I struggled to wake up and was able to make some conversation. I felt pretty out of it, but nothing like when I first woke up. And the pain was really a lot better by then. Phillip came in, I guess we talked a little, and before I knew it I was saying I thought I could go home. The nurses helped me get dressed. I didn't feel too bad, and I could walk with a little assistance. We got into a car and the driver drove us home CAREFULLY. The ride was about twenty minutes long, but I was still pretty groggy, so it seemed short.
Recovery
When I got back to Phillip's I just really wanted to go back to sleep. I took a couple Tylenol with Codeine. I was able to use the bathroom on my own without a problem. I lay down and was out like a light. I slept well all night long and I felt a lot better when I woke up in the morning already. Phillip went to the pharmacy to fill a prescription for Percocet. When he came back my chest was pretty uncomfortable, but as soon as those kicked in I was relatively pain-free. I didn't have any nausea after surgery really. Every time I took my antibiotics or the pain killers I was careful to have something in my stomach.
My first breakfast was fruit, followed by bacon and eggs. I had no problem eating at all. It was good to eat something after a day without food. I felt pretty sleepy and weak for the next few days, but I took it easy, slept and watched TV. I was careful to take the pain medication on time, and when I did that, I had no problems with being in pain.
I did have a problem urinating for the first three days or so. It was just like the muscles didn't want to let go. I was just patient with it. I just tried to go more frequently. But day four I was back to my old self again, with a new chest, of course.
I went back to Dr. Reardon the second day after surgery. He took off the large bandages and I was able to see the results for the first time. I was a little shocked, not by the gruesomeness, it wasn't really even bruised. It just looked so different. It was finally done. I began to really feel happy about it. I had two drains coming from my armpit areas, but they were not draining very much fluid at all. He decided to leave them in another day. I was very worried, because I'd heard that the drain removal was very painful. But the next day when He took them out it really wasn't very painful at all. The worrying was much worse. I got a second look at my chest, and it looked awesome. Dr. Reardon took out a bunch of stitches and that didn't hurt either. My chest looked terrific! I was so happy. The nurse took some after photos, and I was on my way to the train station to go back to Boston.
I was still weak and a little out of it for a week following the surgery. I slept on my back every night, and at two and a half weeks, as I write this, I still sleep on my back. I was able to shower right away, but even a simple thing like showering made me feel really tired. I napped a lot, and I laid on the couch. But every day I felt a lot better, and now my energy is almost right where it was before surgery.
My nipples had full sensation right away and still get erect. I had a little bit of bruising and swelling, which is better. I took some Tylenol now and again, but really, since the third day I have not really needed any pain medication on a regular basis.
It is still tender. I have shooting pains in my nipples and around my chest, but I guess I am used to it. It isn't that bad. The scars are tight and sore and I donāt have full range of motion, but I can do almost everything but reach onto a high shelf.
For the first week or so I used bacitracin ointment on my scars and nipples, covering the nipples with gauze until the incisions were closed, and now I apply vitamin E twice a day. I look great. It was worth all of the waiting, all of the worrying, and all of the pain. And every last cent!
December 2000
Itās about six months later now. I have a little tightness, but no pain unless I am doing pull ups, and in that case, itās more of a stretching feeling than anything else. The scars are fading a bit, I have been building my pecs and I look great. I shower in the locker room at the YMCA, and no one ever asks me about it or scars at me like I was afraid they would. I believe that in addition to testosterone, having my chest done was paramount to my sense of comfort in my body.
March 2001
Now it's been almost a year. I just had a revision to take out a bit of extra tissue. I drove down to New York City with a friend. The procedure took about 25 minutes. I was given an IV with some Demerol, and I was pretty relaxed and euphoric. Then Dr. Reardon gave me some local anesthetic - maybe 15 shorts or so. It stings, but itās no big deal when you are sedated. I was awake throughout the procedure and didn't feel any pain. He made on 3-4 inch incision under each pectoral, over the old scar. He cut the extra tissue and liposuction was not used, since it wasn't fat. Then he sewed me up again. The scars are a little less wide now, and healing is fine. I took the stitched out myself after about a week. That is painless. One of my nipples became numb after this second procedure, although it still gets erect. Iām very happy with the way my chest looks, and glad I went in for the revision. I hope the feeling comes back in my nipple.
May 2001 (one year after surgery)
Scars from the revision are pink, but seem to be fading already. Sensation is also returning in the nipple that was numb. I can feel it, but the sensation is more of a painful one than a pleasurable one. It seems extra sensitive and then partially numb too. Iām hoping for the best and canāt wait to get some sun. I do have to be careful not to get sun on the revision scars though. Since they are susceptible to burning. I have some numbness and tightness overall, but it's still getting more natural feeling. I would describe the feeling on parts of my chest as "wooden". The skin is sensitive, but it feels funny inside, where the numb parts are. I think it will probably take a few years for the nerves to grow back, and I figure I will always have some loss of sensation in certain parts.
My overall feeling about it is I am completely happy to have done it, very pleased with my surgeon, and comfortable in public with my shirt off, even though I'm rather hairless. I use the men's locker room, and I get plenty of attention there. Guys don't seem to care about my scars or think it means I am transsexual. Women don't seem to mind either!!
Copyright © 2001
By Johann
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