Irrespective of whether we have opted for a no ho/no op approach or been on T for twenty years, disclosure is something that we all deal with. As with everything else, there are differing opinions on the topic. Some people believe that disclosure is necessary in each and every situation. Others believe you should tell only if someone is interested in you. Yet others believe that if the activity which you have planned doesn't involve disrobing, then there silence is the best policy. Regardless of what anyone else says or believes, disclosure is a matter of personal preference and of choice. Only you can decide whether or when to disclose because if there is any fallout, you are the one who will be dealing with it.
The most vocal opponents of transgenderism have taken the position that disclosure must take place the moment that a conversation begins. Failure to do so, according to them, results in lack of informed consent. The phrase "lack of informed consent" is a legal term which arises in the context of medical malpractice cases. Informed consent starts with a health care provider disclosing the risks inherent in the particular medical procedure that the patient is about to undergo, so that the patient can decide whether to proceed, seek a second opinion, or take some other action. Relationships are not medical procedures. The expectation that we should disclose our gender identity the second that we meet someone is unrealistic and inherently unfair. People don't start conversations by disclosing highly personal information such as annual salary, what spiritual beliefs they hold dear, their shortcomings or who they voted for in the last election. The fact of the matter is that conversations start within context. We discuss the topic at hand. As trust develops and comfort levels rise, we make decisions about how personal to get with the information which we divulge.
Why do we get so stressed out about "coming out"? The problem, in a nutshell, is that an early disclosure can result in rejection or widespread outing if the person you told decides that they have the "moral obligation" to tell the world about you. A late disclosure, and your partner feels betrayed or worse -- the situation turns to violence. While violence is not commonplace, it does remain possible, particularly if sex was a part of the equation. It's easy to sit back and make decisions in a theoretical vacuum, but when the time comes, what will you do? How will you tell someone about yourself? When will you tell them? What will you tell them? This article will hopefully provide you with a framework to determine which course suits you best under the circumstances.
To Tell or Not to Tell?
Disclosure is emotionally difficult in the best of situations. Unfortunately, there no magic formula. Not only will one size not fit all, what works for you will vary from situation to situation. Here are some factors to consider:
Are you spending more energy not disclosing? If you are expending more time and energy trying to avoid inadvertently disclosing your past than you care to, it might simply be easier to tackle the subject head on.
How well do you know the person? You may be less likely to tell someone about your past who you have just met than someone who you have known for a long time and even that person may react unexpectedly. How tolerant is the other person in other areas of their life? Are there any potential hot buttons you can inadvertently trigger by your disclosure?
What do you hope to accomplish by disclosing? By this I mean, what is the goal of disclosure. Are you hoping to create a greater intimacy, share personal details, establish a rapport or shock someone who has just made a sexist statement? What can you gain by disclosing? What can you lose?
How likely is the "relationship" to become sexual? You are more likely to make a disclosure when responding to a personals ad than to someone you simply want to be friends with. The more likely the possibility of a sexual encounter, the greater the likelihood of disclosing. It is naive to think that someone who you are doing more than "tricking with" will never know? The past has a way of popping up at the most inopportune moments. Eventually your partner will find out. Wouldn't rather be the one providing the information in the light most favorable to you? Someone else might not be as kind in their depiction of your identity. Sometimes an early disclosure can save you a lot of time and effort as you will know the other person's position before you invest a your time and energy in them. Someone who has felt betrayed by your silence is more likely to spread the word about you than someone who knows up front (but there are no guarantees). There is no doubt that timing is crucial, particularly when sex is involved.
Keep in mind that every rule has an exception, and in this case, anonymous sex seems to be it. Some transmen are exploring sex with other men by going to sex clubs where oral sex is the primary activity being engaged in. Here the interaction is going to be of a short and definitive duration not to mention the fact that it's dark. For those of you who aren't in the know an exchange of names is uncommon in these settings.
How to tell
As with anything else, practice makes perfect. The more you experience talking about those qualities which render you unique, the easier it gets. That doesn't mean that it ever gets easy or stress-free. You just develop a knack that fits within your personality type for knowing what to say and when to say it.
Suggestions: Pick a place that feels comfortable for you. It should be a place that you can leave should things get too uncomfortable. The location may be a coffee shop, a quiet restaurant, a mutual friend's house or the park. While people are less likely to create scenes in public, some do. You should consider the potential factor for embarrassment.
Sometimes the perfect opportunity presents itself during conversation. The topic of discussion could be a book or movie that involves gender. "Boys Don't Cry" can be the perfect conversation opener. Sometimes you need to help create the opportunity. Loren Cameron's book Body Alchemy has proven invaluable in this regard. Placing the book on the coffee table can provide the opportunity to glide into the discussion. I have often asked a prospective sexual partner if they have seen the book. If they have, the conversation becomes easier. If they haven't, I just need to start at the beginning. I'll ask if they have heard the term transgendered and what their understanding is. After doing a little gender 101, I always invite questions. Try to keep the lesson short. More than likely your partner is going through a bit of shock and disbelief. I've even been accused of making up the "transgendered story," to avoid sex.
Keep in mind that people have a tendency to pick up on non-verbal cues. The more nervous you are the more likely that your guest is going to respond in kind. Nerves and fear can provide the edge that you need, but they can work against you as well. You really don't need anymore stress in your life. Don't dwell on what could go wrong. Plan for what can go right. Think of the encounter as an opportunity for growth -- yours and theirs. Humor helps a lot, but don't force it.
Think about what you are going to say long before you say it. Practice in the mirror if that's what it takes. Some folks need just enough dialogue to get them past the butterflies. Keep in mind that it is not a speech. You don't need to memorize what you are going to say, just have a game plan about what you intend to cover and how much detail you want to provide.
Words have a lot of power, so choose wisely. Some words trigger the other person to make default assumptions. Jason Cromwell in Transmen & FTMs (1999: University of Illinois Press) defines a default assumption as "something that holds true in the `simplest or most natural or most likely possible model' concerning any particular topic or subject. He the proceeds:
" The critical thing about default assumptions is that they are made automatically, not as a result of consideration or elimination. To one degree or another, everyone makes default assumptions. For example, an effeminate man or masculine woman are assumed to be gay or lesbian, respectively."
When coming out to a woman words such as "I have unique insight into what women face" will be perceived far differently than "I don't have a penis". Both are factually correct. The former emphasizes an advantage that you have over non-transmen. The latter makes it sound like you feel "less than" non-transmen.
I have noted a significant difference that telling people that "I was not born male" provides a different set of responses than saying that "I was born female". The latter has resulted in the other person making assumptions about me and my life. This may not work for everyone. Come up with your own way of saying what you want to say then observe how other people respond to your statements. Continue refining your technique of disclosing and by all means talk to other transmen about what works for them.
Is "Thanks, But No Thanks" Really A Rejection?
It is natural to assume that the studmuffin or the drop-dead-gorgeous babe who spurned you after your revelation has everything to do with you being trans*. Keep in mind that "no" can mean any number of things ranging from "I'm attached and my girlfriend will kill me if she finds out that I'm even talking to you" to "I'm not feeling particularly sexual tonight". Face it, there are people are into a particular types. If the object of your desires is into tall beefy blonds and you are a short thin red-head, transgendered or not, you just won't fit the bill.
It has taken me a long time to realize that while that "no" pertained to me, it was not necessarily about me. The sexual attraction that the other person felt suddenly caused them to question a sexual orientation which they had taken for granted -- their own. For instance, a gay man or lesbian facing my disclosure might question whether they are "straight" while a heterosexual woman would question whether she is a lesbian. It's all about perspective. This orientation anxiety can result in a simple temporary set-back, if you can manage to keep from taking the response personally. Just hang in there (assuming, of course, that the reply wasn't rude) and you might just be pleasantly surprised down the road.
We Aren't The Only Ones
Disclosures are not the sole province of trans* folk. I was under that particular misimpression. I simply assumed that gay men had it good. When two guys found each other attractive, that's all there was to it. This illusion was shattered by a mentor who explained that people were faced with sexual disclosures all the time. The disclosure that he was talking about was related to his HIV status. He put my anxieties at risk by explaining to me that as an HIV positive man he got his fair share of rejections and experience similar stresses about disclosure. Talk about perspective!
So get off that pity pot. If you are interested in someone, speak up. Without taking a chance, "no" is the guaranteed response. You might hear "yes" more often than you imagine. If you do wind up getting told no, it's their loss not yours.
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Any questions, suggestions, or topics or requests for further information are greatly appreciated. Please e-mail me at Lbear@otherbear.com
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By Michael M. Hernandez
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