I'd like to tell you that there is a simple formula that you can learn to be able to successfully cruise men, but there isn't. It requires work on your part. Here are some tips to help you get started.
Socialize
It never ceases to amaze me that the people who complain the most about the shallowness of the dating pool are those who spend most of their time at home alone. Your chances of finding someone increase greatly by leaving the house.
These days one has a variety of options such as cyberspace, dating services, social clubs, gatherings and events that present an opportunity to meet other people. Even when you meet someone online, barring a strictly cybersex relationship, at some point in time you will want to meet your e-pal in person or they may wish to meet you. [Keep in mind that what may work on the computer screen may not work in person, but don't let that stop you.]
There are gay clubs and organizations for any number of hobbies, crafts, games, or sports. That is the easiest way to meet someone with common interests. If spirituality or religion is an important part of your life, events such as a fairie gathering, a church, or temple, etc., may be the perfect place to meet.
Someone whose trans identity is not dependent on an outward appearance created by testosterone or supplements will have a different experience than someone who has been on hormones for years and has had some form of surgery. The former will inevitably be circumnavigating the stresses and strains of being seen for whom they really are despite the outward packaging while the latter may be attempting to compensate for loss of sensation or a bodily configuration which is somewhat different from the traditional male. This, however, should not be a deterrent. I waited seven years before having chest surgery and was able to cruise and have sex with men despite having "hairy tits".
Socializing helps you hone your skills because after all at some point in time you will need to speak to the object of your affections. The goal is learning how to be comfortable speaking with other people.
Develop Your Sense of Humor
Humor is one of the best forms of education. The less vested you are in your disclosure of being trans the greater the likelihood that you will find the sex which you are seeking. Some discussions are more serious than most. You really have nothing to lose by talking to someone. Without at least a preliminary approach there is no chance of any relationship whatsoever. By trying there is at least the possibility of a yes.
This advice must be tempered by your particular situation at the time. If you are not in an emotional space to be vulnerable or will take a "no thanks" as a rejection. Taking a chance at harming your self esteem may not be wise. However, even in that situation you have nothing whatsoever to lose by talking to someone. It may be that you both have something in common and can enjoy each other's company. Friendships can and do evolve into other forms of relationships. Only you can weigh and balance whether to risk the friendship by having a relationship. What I mean to say is that a friendship which develops into a relationship already has a basis of trust and familiarity, but if the relationship ends, you not only lose a lover, but a friend.
Figure Out Your Desires
The only way to get your needs and/or desires met is to communicate them. So, what exactly is it that you want? Some of you may have already spent hours fantasizing about what it is that you want. If you aren't sure of your desires, your best bet may be to make a list of what you are looking for in the ideal partner/spouse/lover/fuckbuddy. Keep in mind that one person may not be able to meet all of your needs or desires. Just take a piece of paper and start writing a list. Desires could be characteristics, sexual activities that you'd like to engage in, physical features, or any variety of other things. You don't have to be organized. What is important is that you not censor yourself while making the list. If you are absolutely resistive to the idea of making a list, come up with a list of historical figures or movie stars who you are attracted to then and write down the reasons for your attraction to that particular person. Once you have run out of steam go back and read the list. What items are absolutely necessary? Which ones are preferences?
Identify the Kind of Relationship That You Are Looking For
The type of relationship that you are looking for becomes important in evaluating the amount of energy that you are willing to expend educating someone about you and/or your desires. Wouldn't it be grand to be able to say to someone "I'm trans" and have it immediately understood without further explanation? The only way that that will happen is by each of us spending the time and effort of conducting preliminary education for our potential partners. The more men who know we exist, the more likely that we will be desired for who we are.
What you are looking for may also affect your level of interaction and whether or not disclosure is in the cards. You'd probably approach a trick far different that someone who you'd like to be married to. Then again, maybe not. Are you seeking a spouse, a lover, a date, simply sex, all of the above, some of the above, none of the above?
Your chances of sexual satisfaction will increase if you what makes you feel good. Make friends with your body. If you aren't comfortable with your body, your partner won't be either. Sex is not totally focused in the genitals. Spend time exploring other areas of your body. Touch your chest, your head, your face, your groin. Smell yourself. Taste yourself. What arouses you? What interferes with your level of arousal? Masturbate. Keep in mind that not all masturbation needs to necessarily end in orgasm. While it may be your preference, it is not an absolute necessity for everyone. The more comfortable you are with yourself the more likely that you will attract who you want.
Cruising
Cruising men is completely different that courting women. There tends to be a two-second window of opportunity which is wholly dependent on making and maintaining eye contact. In order to be approached you have to be approachable. This means smiling.
The easiest way to learn what will work for you is to go out and watch other men cruise each other. You aren't limited to the bars. As I previously mentioned there are gay clubs and organizations for any number of hobbies, crafts, games, or sports. Go, watch, learn. Observation will teach you that men have different ways of calling attention to themselves and interacting with each other. What particular hurdles you face will depend on a variety of factors such as your stage in transition (if any), identity, sexual orientation, experience, and desire. If you are concerned about passing or uncomfortable about your body or yourself, these things will come across. The guy you are cruising may not know why, but your discomfort may be clearly felt.
Once you have attracted someone's attention, your socialization skills come into play and the decision to disclose or not disclose comes to the forefront. Some people view this discussion as rather stressful. It can be a period fraught with the possibility of great rejection. Check your negative thinking at the door. The fact that you are having the conversation in the first place, means that the person to whom you are speaking with is already attracted to you (particularly if he approached you). You are negotiating from a position of strength not weakness. The surer you are of yourself, the more honest you are about your desires, the greater the likelihood that you will have an interaction of a sexual nature with the other person(s). You may not have sex on the spot. It may be a matter of hours, days, weeks, or even years. Even if the answer was "thanks, but no thanks," the mind is an interesting thing. Once curious, it's impossible to turn off. You might be pleasantly surprised down the road.
"No" is not necessarily about you. It's about your potential partner. It's about his fear, performance anxiety, gender issues, identity issues, or a whole plethora of other things. the guy may be having an identity crisis. You just happened to be the catalyst. Men reject one another for any variety of reasons. No can mean any number of things from "I'm attached and my boyfriend will nut me if he finds out that I've even looked at anyone else" to "I'm not feeling particularly sexual tonight" to "You are incredibly hot, but I have erectile dysfunction." Some reasons are more simple such as sexual incomparability such as you may both want to be the person giving the blow job. Of course, the real reasons are rarely spoken aloud. In some instances, the stud who you found hot is into a particular type. If he's into tall beefy blonds and you are a short thin red-head, transgendered or not, you just don't fit the bill. As Billy Lane says "no is an opportunity for someone else to say yes." There are places where you can go where disclosure may not be an issue, such as sex clubs. But that is a topic for another article.
If you are afraid to go alone, take a friend. You may want to limit the number of people that you take with you. Transmen tend to run in packs in sexual spaces. While it may provide good support, it can deter from the experience in that there is a tendency to remain with each other and not interact with other people.
So get off that pity pot. Go forth into the world young men. If you are interested in someone, speak up. Without taking a chance the "no" is guaranteed. You might be pleasantly surprised to receive a yes. If you do wind up getting told no, it's his loss not yours. There are men who find us attractive and not only that, they prefer us as partners.
Happy Hunting.
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By Michael M. Hernandez
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