This article is the companion piece to the one on cruising men, but with a more universal approach. From my perspective, the article on cruising men was about the intricacies of negotiating casual sex while this article is more closely geared to forming relationships. There are women who want to be cruised and men who want to be courted. I leave those articles to someone with more experience in those realms.
Some of the sections in the Cruising article entitled "socialize," "develop your sense of humor," and "identify the type of relationship" are equally applicable here, so I won't bother repeating the information. You can either reread the article in your issue ___ of the FTMI newsletter or access it on my website at http://www.otherbear.com.
Please remember that advice, as always, simply advice. While I have attempted to point out things that will (hopefully) improve your chances of getting that first date. You are left to your own devices and active imaginations to fine tune the subtle dance of romance.
Looking for Love
You have to want one someone in your life badly enough to make some compromises (all relationships require some form of compromise), take some chances, and be willing to face your fears. It is rather simple to say that we want something (just keep your ears open at your next support group meeting and you will hear plenty of this), but very few of us actually do something about it. The woman of your dreams is usually not going to come knocking on your door, that only happens in the movies. You simply have to do some leg work. Yes, you will actually have to leave the house at some point in time and yes, you are going to have to talk to her.
Finding someone can be as difficult as you choose to make it. In many cases, fear is a self-fulfilling prophecy. After the exuberance of transitioning wears off , a "no one will want me" mentality can set in. If we have been fortunate enough to avoid this mentality or have the ability to get over it quickly, there are other obstacles which we deftly place in our paths to prevent us from getting who we want. This can make dating utter hell. The more insecure and fearful you feel, the less likely you will be to get the date you want and the greater the probability of falling for the first person who shows a mutual attraction, whether the relationship is a healthy one or not. Don't sell yourself short, gentlemen. I am not urging you to ignore the fact that we have different experiences than those of the mainstream. In some cases our gender expressions do not match conventional sex role stereotypes. In others, our bodies either do not perfectly match the image that the world sees of us. These things in and of themselves make looking for love a distinct challenge, but not an insurmountable one.
Another obstacle is the unflagging determination that our partner be perfect for us in every way. Not only is the flesh and blood equivalent of our dream date suppose to match our fantasies perfectly, somehow it's all supposed to happen during the first ten minutes of a conversation. I hate to break this to you fellahs. Not only will flesh and blood not live up to your fantasies, it takes time and effort to get to know someone.
Getting the First Date
It's All in the Eyes and Ears
Smile and make eye contact. If she smiles back walk over and introduce yourself. If you are nervous, feel free to work up your courage a bit, but avoid staring.
Listen to your gut. Do you have any doubts about who you are approaching? Were you introduced or are you getting ready to approach someone that you met a bar/event/party, etc.? You have to respond to what you are feeling. If something feels wrong, it probably is. Don't just follow your intuition without gathering additional facts. Talk to your prospective date. Agree to meet if there is any initial chemistry for you. If your suspicious are aroused simply go slower until you confirm whether your intuition was correct.
Good communication starts with paying attention to what she says as well as what she does. Don't just limit this to the first couple of dates.
Don't Use Lines
Everyone at some time or another has heard a line. "Do you come here often?" "Don't I know you from somewhere?" "What's your sign?" and "What's a girl like you doing in a place like this?" I'm pretty far removed from the dating loop, so I don't know any of the newer lines. What I do know is they are an instant recipe for disaster even if you are really good at them. That well-practiced line, if creative enough, will get you a first date, but that won't work for long. Pretty soon people will talk. This community is far too small to use a cookie-cutter approach to dating. If you say the same things to everyone you meet eventually someone will see you as an opportunist.
There is a huge difference between using a line and flirting. Keep in mind that there's a fine line between being witty and being obnoxious. It's up to you to find out where that line is.
If you don't ask for a date, the answer is automatically no. If you do ask, you at least have a 50/50 shot at getting a yes. But how do you do that? While I have no qualms about telling a guy , "you're hot, let's fuck," I am very conscious of the fact that the women who I tend to be attracted to are under a barrage of unwanted attention from men. My request for a date would be closer to "I'd love to continue this conversation in private. Would you care to join me for coffee (lunch, dinner)?"
I don't know when it happened, but there are protocols to dating. For instance, dinner tends to mean that you are serious. You are more likely to get a yes for coffee than anything else, but don't let that stop you from asking for something different.
A more direct approach which I have used to ask for a date is to wait until the end of the conversation and say "I find you attractive and would be delighted if you'd be willing to go on a date. Here's my number. May I have yours?". Keep in mind that women don't give out their telephone numbers, particularly to strange men. Even if you have been introduced, you are still a stranger. Don't be afraid to give her your number and ask for hers in return. If she does reciprocate, don't wait a week to call her. There's nothing worse than waiting by the telephone. If she won't reciprocate, do NOT take it as a rejection and don't ask why. Be gracious when giving her your telephone number. If she won't provide a telephone number, she may be willing to give you her email address.
The First Date
Once you get a yes, where do you go? If you have agreed to a coffee date, chances are she likes good coffee or tea. Find a place that serves a decent cup of java which is convenient for both of you or at least her.
If the first date involves a meal, be sure to find out what type of cuisine she likes (e.g. Italian, Mexican, Thai, etc.). It's also a good idea to find out if she's vegetarian, so that both of you have food options. Keep in mind that there are different types of vegetarians. Some are eat eggs, milk and milk products (lacto/ovo) while others don't (vegan). If she's vegan, your best bet is to ask about her favorite restaurant or look in the phone book and scope the restaurant out before your date. If she's vegetarian and eats dairy products, Indian food (particularly South Indian) is a good choice.
Are you picking her up or will she be joining you there? If it's the former, be sure to get directions. If it's the latter, be sure that you have an address and cross- streets for her as well as the telephone number for the place just in case she wants door to door directions.
Wherever you wind up going, you want to select a place where you can hear each other. There's nothing worse than having to talk over the loud din of music and other diners. It's also a good idea to work within your budget. There's nothing worse than going to an expensive restaurant, getting a mediocre meal, and hoping for the overtime to pay for it. There are online restaurant guides as well as Zagat's which can give you some ideas about selection, price, and ambiance. You want good fare for a reasonable price.
Dress appropriate to the location. A suit and tie for a coffee date may be a bit much. Shave whatever 5 o'clock shadow exists. If you have a beard use conditioner. While you aren't guaranteed a kiss on the first date, whisker burns are a definite turn off. Keep in mind that some people are very sensitive to fragrances and become violently ill at the slightest whiff of cologne. If she was wearing perfume when you first met her, you should be safe unless you happen to be one of the types who drowns himself in cologne. A little goes a looooong way.
While you want to get to know her better on the first date, it's not an interrogation. Do not fire off questions to learn everything there is to know as quickly as possible. Patience gents. Where you met her can provide some clues about her interests. You can start the conversation there. Refrain from repeatedly bringing the conversation back around to you. Rather, allow it to naturally unwind and follow its own flow by asking questions or making comments about the topic at hand. In other words, get to know your partner by paying attention to the small things. You would be surprised at how much information you can obtain without asking direct questions. Sometimes it is simply a matter of timing and patience. "Tell me everything about yourself," is not very creative and can be incredibly frustrating to hear. It signals that you can't even be bothered to ask the questions which are important to you.
Hitting a movie the first time may not be a good idea because it doesn't allow you sufficient time to explore each others likes and dislikes. You'd be better off with dinner and stroll.
The Post Date and Beyond
A death knell for a second date is failing to call or communicate after the first date. If the date went well, and you happen to have her number, then be sure to call her by the next evening. You don't want her tapping her toes waiting for the phone to ring,, but also don't want to drive her away with with your eagerness. As one of women who was kind enough to review this article pointed out to me, "sometimes there is a fine line between thoughtful Romantic and intense Stalker". Don't overdo it with the phone calls. Everyone has a different expectation and comfort level when it comes to dating. It's not something that you can glean from the first date.
There are different schools of thought when it comes to sending flowers. Some people recommend roses, particularly if you don't know what kind of flowers she likes. I happen to avoid them because I think that they are over-rated. You'd be far better off sending her flowers that reflect where you met or where you went on the first date or better yet learn what kind of flowers she prefers.
You do not have to give someone expensive gifts to make them happy. It's the little things that count. Send cards and letters even if you do both have e-mail. There's nothing quite like a handwritten note. Again, timing is everything. Wait for the relationship to be established before diving in with the gift-giving. You will know when the time is right.
Okay, so that's the easy stuff, the common sense. Keep in mind that we have secrets weapons in our arsenal that can move us to the top of the dating pool. I am convinced that if you can cook, dance, and write a decent love letter, you are bound to meet the woman of your dreams. It doesn't hurt if you if have manners and know how to kiss.
Manners
What can I say about manners? Alright, so I tend to run toward the arcane traditional behaviour such as standing when a lady enters the room, arrives or leaves the table, etc. I will open doors if I'm the first one there and will inquire whether it's permissible to do so as some women are offended if you open doors for them. I always unlock her side of the car first (unless it happens to be the car that has the broken passenger side lock). Again, it's the small things.
Do not ever, ever, ever mention that her mood might be related to her period. Such a statement will ensure that her stiletto is imbedded in a rather delicate part of your anatomy.
Cooking
We need to stop looking at activities as gender-based. Cooking is a damned good skill to have in this day and age. Everybody eats. Why not be good at making it? It doesn't have the be gourmet fare, but if you know a few tricks you can put together a really good meal. Notice that I did not use the word "expensive".
Learn your date's tastes first. It's a good idea to know whether they have any food allergies, what they hate to eat, and what they love. Paying attention during dates will provide the necessary clues of what she enjoys. Then find something that's not too complex for your skill level. It can be as simple as grilling a couple of pork chops, baking a couple of apples or opening up a jar of applesauce, steaming some vegetables, and cutting up some scallions and red bell peppers as garnish for a nice mixed green salad. In my book, there is nothing like a home-cooked meal to woo a prospective partner.
Dancing
In the old days, it was rumored that how you moved on the dance floor indicated what kind of lover you would turn out to be. Dancing is a way to express yourself physically and increase the delightful tension that a the stirring of romance can bring.
If you are going to a place where there will be couples dancing (e.g. foxtrot, waltz, tango, salsa, etc.) you might want to hone your skills by taking a class or two at a local dance school or at the local GLBT community center.
Love Letters
You don't have to be a poet to write a love letter. Just speak from the heart. You can be as formal or informal as you like. E-mail is good for something quick, but there's nothing like getting a card or letter in the mail. If you aren't much of a writer, spend some time reading poetry. Send her a copy of one of the poems that you feel expresses your sentiments.
One of the reviewers pointed out the following:
"I'd say what really helps is not just the honesty, but SPELLING AND GRAMMAR. No short cut I LUV U crap - that indicates a shallow thinker who won't take the time to create a good message."
So there you have it gents, courting women entails more than learning a bunch of formulas about what to do and how to do it. Simply use a little common sense and above all be yourself. Be honest about what you want, how you feel and who you are. That's the easiest way to attract the woman of your dreams.
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This article could not have been possible without the kind advice of Dana M., Karen Taylor, E. Quon, and Bree Coven. Any mistakes, opinions, or omissions are my own and I bear sole responsibility.
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By Michael M. Hernandez
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