Who Me, Nervous?
I had nerves until the last minute. My partner was away on business and would be joining me in Seattle. I dealt with the nerves by taking a little 36 hour side trip to San Francisco on the way up to Seattle and getting in a wee bit of extra curricular activity if you know what 2º If you don't, I'll spell it out -- I had sex until I felt both satisfied and exhausted enough to sleep -- but before you even go there, I have an open relationship and my partner knows where I was. I also visited friends, ate some more, and read voraciously.
Here's a sneak peek at my stress levels:
Journal 12/4/98 2:43 a.m.
I dreamed that I was at a doctor's office about a surgery. They were laughing and being friendly about the fact that I had prepaid, then derided one of their departments for not having all of the paperwork ready before receipt of the check. The countdown continues. I'm now a week away.
I just noticed this now that this dream was right on the money. I went to the lab and then surgery suite right after my doctor's appointment to avoid having to do this the first thing in the morning. My surgery was originally scheduled for 8:00 a.m. With a 7:00 a.m. check in and was moved up an hour so that check in time was 6:00 a.m. There was no way that I would be filling documents out then. The staff at the surgery suite had misplaced my check and the cover letter that I sent with it. Somebody got chewed out a little bit and my payment was found.
Journal 12/12/98
Had a bout of nerves on the 10th as the [presurgical] Doctor's appointment was far shorter than I had imagined . . .Slept fine . . .It [the surgery] was scheduled for an hour earlier than I had anticipated. I woke up before the alarm and promptly put my [boxer] shorts on backwards. I figured that out and remedied the matter only to repeat the process with Sky's sweat[pants]. Twice no less.
Who me, nervous??! Nah. I spent the 10th walking around a lot and hitting the book stores so that I'd have something to read during recovery. I trimmed my chest hair the night before, to allow the doc to see what she was doing. I opted against shaving because I didn't want to deal with itching, etc., during the healing process. As you can see from the post surgical pic there was a lot of trimming to do.
The Big Day
As I was staying about a mile away from the surgery center and decided to walk to alleviate some of the stress immediately before the big event. We were the first, other than the staff, to arrive at the surgery center. After a very brief wait, I was weighed in and had my blood pressure taken. I was then shown a dressing room and changed clothes. After meeting and chatting with the anesthesiologist, I met with Dr. Peters who drew some marks on my chest. She left to change and scrub up. I was lead to the operating room. The staff that was already there was very friendly and welcoming which made the room a bit less daunting. They also apologized that the room was a little chilly because I was the first patient of the morning and said that things would be warming up in a bit.
I positioned myself on the operating table until I was situated where they wanted me. I was given heated blanket to keep me warm. By this time I was far less nervous and apprehensive than the day before. What helped the most were that the staff and anesthesiologist were telling me what was going to happen before it did. EKG leads were placed on my chest to monitor my heart. I was told that I would be given a local to make the IV easier to put in. There was a little pinch, but no pain. I was told that a "little something" was being put into the IV to make me relax. I remember staring up at the lights and thinking that they were rather bright and then that's it. Nothing. No fading to black, no sounds, no motion, no blurred vision, nada.
I am pleased to report that my nerves were misplaced. The only fear that truly came to pass was my fear that I would become ill as a result of the anesthesia. I remember one eye rolling open long enough to see a person who I assumed was a nurse, smelling an overwhelming chemical smell, saying I'm gonna hurl, and I vomiting twice. Whether this was because I psyched myself into being ill or due to my beard and moustache holding in the chemical smells I will never know. My nausea was short-lived as I was given something to deal with it. In any event, vomiting was not as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't feel any pain or discomfort. In fact, it felt good to get the nausea out of the way.
I don't remember anything until seeing my partner in what I assume is the post-surgical recovery area. That too was one of those rolling eye memories. I nodded in and out of sleep and remember being told by my recovery nurse that I was being moved to a room. I was rolled away in a large barcalounger contraption to a private room. I continued to nod in and out and reported a definite burning sensation in my chest and some residual waves of nausea. I could still smell the chemicals in my facial hair and I think, but can't remember whether my partner helped me wash my face. I have a vague memory that he did. They put something in my IV for the nausea and gave me a shot of Demerol for the burning sensation. That knocked it out immediately.
I recall being very thirsty, but being told that I could not drink anything yet. I was given ice chips with a little grape juice for flavoring which my partner fed me. I can't tell you how incredibly good that tasted. After about three cups of these ice chips I managed to stay awake long enough or do whatever it was I was supposed to be able to do in order to be released. They wheeled me down to the front doors in a wheel chair and helped me get into a friend's truck. The only unpleasant part of the trip was getting incredibly nauseous during the drive back to where I was staying. My friend was trying to be kind by driving slowly to avoid any bumps in the road and the windshield wipers made me incredibly irritable. I pointed out that I had enough pain meds in me to take down a horse and that I was feeling nauseous. We made it home in record time.
The Home Strech
It was 2ish and I was ravenous. I ate some soup and spent the rest of the day sleeping on and off. What helped incredibly with the ability to sleep were some orthopedic pillows that look like wedges. One is triangular and would fit behind my back so that I slept in an inclined and slightly seated position. The other was shaped like a trapezoid and went under my knees and butt. Each arm rested on a pillow which had been rolled lengthwise to make sure that I didn't feel any pulling on my chest. This configuration allowed me to sleep without rolling all over the bed or onto my sides or stomach. I'd sleep for awhile, get up for an hour, read, take a pain pill and then fall back asleep. I surprised people by being rather lucid, except for the one statement that I made about not being able to do something because it would interfere with my stuttering. Mmm, I don't stutter and have no idea where the hell the statement came from.
Sitting down to use the toilet was an interesting experience. I had a charley horse from the Demerol shot and it took effort to stand up and sit down. Fortunately my partner, knowing that I would not be able to shower for several days, bought some babywipes. Using them instead of toilet paper left me smelling fresh as a baby's tushie. Well, that and the fact that I cleaned out (i.e. performed an enema) the night immediately before surgery, helped immensely. I didn't need anybody to wipe my butt and by the time my body was functioning again, I was able to take care of this myself. One word of warning is don't flush the baby wipes. They aren't meant to be flushed and can clog up the toilet creating a huge problem.
The biggest mistake I made was on the 12th. Thinking that I wasn't doing much of anything I sat in the living room for 10 hours straight either reading or watching TV. My partner, knowing that I'd be an extreme pill if told to go to bed, made gentle suggestions throughout the day, which I managed not to notice. So, I didn't nap and became quite cranky and exhausted by the end of the evening. I realized that although, I thought I was doing nothing, my body clearly had other ideas.
I paid for it on the 13th. I was so tired that I spent the overwhelming majority of it having weird dreams and nightmares, one of which involved bugs another being bitten by a dog. The drains were not painful, but rather uncomfortable. I was stiff and achy in places. I also had some swelling and bruising on my right side and couldn't figure out why there was a sharp pain when my arm was in certain positions until my partner checked it out. He discovered that my armpit hair was trapped in the Ace bandage. Talk about a methodology to ensure limited range of motion! He freed my armpit hair, but my armpits continued to feel sticky and raw.
The drains were taken out on the 14th. I was prepared for a rather horrid experience having heard repeatedly how terribly painful the drain removal was. Another pleasant surprise. It didn't really hurt. There was a slight burning sensation, but that was it. No debilitating pain and certainly nothing intolerable. The only set back was my body's premeditated plan to embarrass me by causing me to pass out. I didn't, but got light headed every time that the drains were emptied, stitches removed, etc.
Stitches on my chest were removed on the 15th. It was odd to feel air on my chest after several days of being bound with Ace bandage. I noticed a definite lack of skin sensation. I can feel pressure, but not touch on the surface of the skin. My right armpit continued to feel sticky and raw. Even the short walk within the Doctor's office tired me out dramatically. The stitches around my nipples were removed on the 21st.
Okay, that's enough with the day to day stuff. There's more, but it's boring as hell. I still have surface numbness although that changes from day to day. I experience a phantom binder sensation from time to time, particularly when I'm exercising. What I mean by this is that it feels as if there were something around my chest. I suspect that it's the scar tissue.
Snippets of Memory
What I remember very distinctly is:
¥ feeling disturbed at how big my belly looked without the view being obstructed. I have now managed to take off 13 lbs since the surgery and only about 2 lbs of that can be attributed to breast tissue.
¥ feeling silly about my conspiracy theory. There is no conspiracy of silence because there really is nothing to be silent about. The recovery was far less painful and traumatic than I thought it would be.
¥ being amazed that I didn't need pain meds for more than the first four or five days and only for sleep after that. I urge you to take them diligently and on time, then gradually cutting back and seeing how you feel.
¥ secretly wrapping my foot around the bottom of the bed around the 15th or 16th to see if I could get out of bed without help. ::Blushing:: jacking off around the same time because far too much time had passed between orgasms.
¥ feeling frustrated around the 23rd because my left side looked far better than my right. This is getting better and better.
¥ feeling upset and frustrated about a keloiding effect on a 2 inch section of scar tissue located on the right side near the sternum.
¥ being amazed at how fast the recovery period went. Of course, it didn't hurt that I took multivitamins for a month or so before surgery and that I have a strong constitution.
The End of the Beginning or the Beginning of the End?
Things are improving on a daily basis. I still have significant numbness and it's hard to tell where exactly things will end up. On a positive note, I do have erectile function in my nipples and some very very minimal sensation. I have stopped spazzing out about the keloid. It's minimal and all in all, what scarring is left will be totally hidden by my chest hair. I'm being far more patient than with anything else in my life and have a rather positive outlook. Some things just take time and this is one of them. In the worst case, I will use scargo or some of the Rejuviness® sheeting.
I have been taking photos in 7 - 10 day intervals and hope to have them developed, scanned and up within the next month.
For those of you who are interested in an exceptional surgeon who treats us with dignity:
Mary Lee Peters, M.D. 901 Boren Avenue, Ste. 1650 Seattle, WA 98104 (206) 464-0873
Of course, I encourage each and every one of you who intend to have surgery to carefully weigh your alternatives and choices of surgeons. Follow your hearts and listen to your fears. Above all, take your sweet time!
So in closing, I have to say, it's nice to be wrong. The overwhelming majority of my fears were unfounded and quite honestly, it was nice being being taken care of. I welcome e-mail and would be happy to post your surgical experiences on my website. There can never be too much information.
© Copyright Jan/Feb 1999 Michael M. Hernandez All Rights Reserved
Very special thanks to: My partner Sky Renfro who has supported me at every turn, Jack and Kristen who opened their home to us, Billy who provided comic relief, entertainment, and chaufer services, and last but certainly not least, Ellen Shapiro whose kind loan of the orthopedic wedgies saved me from dipping into an already strained bank account and made sleeping comfortably a reality.